May I offer up some thoughts about the subtle difference between loneliness and aloneness?
I have been a ‘loner’ all my life. Always seeming to be out of step with what goes on around me.
Strangely, it never bothered me much until my teenage years, when those ‘where do I fit i ?” questions become highlighted.
Click here to watch me sing the song I Have Been A Rover written by Rod McKuen. This was in Karin’s Folk in the Lounge in den Hague 11 years ago, but I will be back there this summer.
At Wallands Primary School in Lewes, I was aware of the people around me, and loved playing with others in the playground – ball games and skipping rhymes were the order of the day.
After school I was happy to go wandering over the downs behind our house – the freedom of those wide open spaces suited my soul even then. I collected stamps like most of us did and loved sorting through them.
Then musical instruments came into my life. First the recorder at aged 5, then the violin at aged 8. I went on to play in the local orchestra whenever they needed some young ones!!
I LOVED singing in the choir, Mr MacDonald was my hero, with his lovely Scottish accent and the insistence on diction – to this day people still compliment me saying they can hear every word I sing!!
Daddy worked at Glyndebourne Opera House and nothing gave me greater pleasure than going with him when he was setting the lighting during the rehearsals. Hearing those amazing voices projecting throughout the theatre astounded me. Something deep inside was stirring and I knew that’s where I was heading, although in those days it was with a viola under my chin, not singing!!
My love of folk song started with the wonderful programme “Singing Together” and I still sing many of these songs/stories to this day.
Still, in this context, I was never part of a ‘gang.’ Sometimes I went to a friends’ house to swap stamps or play in the garden. There was no TV or web in those days. We had to use our imaginations to fill the hours.
My parents made sure we had a ‘life’ and my sister – 14 months younger – and I went to Brownies and Ballet ! This helped with team building, but still I can’t remember truly connecting.
We moved away from Lewes when I was 11, so none of those children I had grown up with were around now. I did keep up a correspondence with Lyn, but that soon faded, bless us.
Heading to Watford Grammar School.
I was still out of sync. Most of my friends were fashion conscious and listening to the latest pop songs. I must admit I also loved the songs and can sing most of them to this day – Cliff, Buddy Holly, The Beatles. The fashion also fascinated me, Mary Quant and Twiggy. I nagged my mother to let me have an asymmetrical Vidal Sasson haircut for one summer holiday!!
But as an underlying thread I just loved every aspect of music. I loved the structure of it, the sound of it and was fascinated by the characters of the composers who created it for us. I was also in awe of anyone who could play the piano – I mastered string and wind but still battle with a keyboard!!
I was happy with my viola under my chin practising at home or playing in orchestras or smaller ensembles. Strangely enough, I sat down to play with all these people, but never connected with any of them on what you might call a friendship level.
I can trace this same pattern all through my life. Being a part of something without feeling an emotional connection to most of the people around me. I have resonated with dear souls along the way – lifelong underlying feelings that transcend time and space and I am still in touch with them, treasuring the time we spend together.
My ‘job’ as a performer has meant that I have met hundreds of thousands of people in my life, and I love and appreciate them all. Still when the applause dies down, it is just me.
I was lucky to find a true soulmate in John and our 46 years together were heaven sent. However, we were together 24 hours a day, but still whole within ourselves. John, the wonderful gregarious man, and his devoted wife.
Since his death in May ’23 I have learned to be ‘alone’ again. I get lonely, of course, but still the ‘alone’ part of me is helping me cope maybe better than others?
So, there you have it. I have had many reasons to feel lonely and isolated from the world around me, but my comfort zone and retreat to the space where I am alone with my own thoughts and deeds has been a saving grace.
It is a blessing that my son lives on the property, but we have our separate lives.
I don’t know whether I could be called antisocial – but then I wouldn’t love being in the company of my acquaintances so much. I love a good ‘natter’ as much as anyone.
Shy – now that’s the truth. It has taken me 70 years to overcome the fear of being judged in any social situation, whether meeting new people or daring to have an opinion of my own to share!!
I suppose I sometimes feel “stand offish” but learned very early that a genuine smile can overcome many tongue tied moments.
Introvert – if that means content to be alone, then guilty as charged.
It does not help that I am a perfectionist – that can be a curse as well as a blessing. I will not perform any piece of music until I am satisfied I can do it ‘blindfold’. I want anything I attempt to be the very best I can do. This can take the fun out of life, but, thankfully I have those around me who have more common sense and tell me to ‘go for it’ !
So, here I sit, alone with one of the cats, happily typing away.
I guess I am lucky to feel content.
