By Chris Ackrill 
Welcome jobseekers! Once again, I find myself redundant and attempting to get back onto the job treadmill. Looking for a professional job as an older, not-so-conventional, person, is a difficult task: especially if you’re over-qualified, under-skilled, and whose thinking is considered rather old skool.
I come from another country: the past. A past where the middle-aged folk are running the company and the kids are in the post room – not the other way around. How different things were in the old days. You’d interact face-to-face. You finished at five – or as early as you could get away with. There was no electronic leash: you weren’t on twenty-fours hours call, and nobody from the office would phone you at home; especially when you’re settling down to watch Coronation Street.
Modest stillness and humility is out of the window in a society where you’re expected to blow your own trumpet. In earlier times, you wouldn’t go out of your way to get yourself noticed. As a raging introvert I’ve little time for teamwork. I like to be sat away from the crowd and left to do things my own way. I don’t want to stand out from the crowd, I prefer to hide behind it.
That’s my reality, but for any potential employers reading this, I’m a dynamic team leader, constantly exceeding targets in a highly pressured environment. So, just between us, here are my honest answers to some common interview questions. Best keep them to yourself (and don’t imagine the interviewer naked, it’s very distracting):
How would you plan your first day?
I’d set out my coffee and coffee mug, and fill the office fridge with full-fat milk and Crème Eggs. I’d then turn the PC on and check my emails and Facebook. Perhaps read some essential company information before lunch. When I’m back from Wetherspoons, I’d dig in for a riveting afternoon of on-line diversity training. Can I work from home tomorrow?
Give me an example of multi-tasking
I’m adept at eating curry, drinking beer and watching TV at the same time. Next question…
How do you handle criticism?
I sulk and feel upset and resentful. Sometimes I’ll go on the offensive and respond with aggression. You’ve got to turn a negative into a positive, innit?
What is your preferred work style?
Set the bar low and think inside the box.
How do you like to be managed?
I like to be left alone to do my own thing. Preferably in a room with a window, conducive to daydreaming.
Are you a team player?
Er, next question…
What do you bring to the party?
A six-pack of bitter or a bottle of special offer wine.
How do you stand out from the crowd?
I try not to stand out from the crowd; I like to hide in it. Mediocrity is the best way.
What IT packages have you used?
Most of them. Excel and Powerpoint are a bit of a pain in the arse aren’t they? I usually write things down on bits of paper.
How would you implement Equal Opportunities in the office?
Curry in the staff restaurant?
What is your biggest weakness?
Brunettes.
Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?
In your job! Ha! Only joking. In five years I’d like to be thinking about retirement and cruising towards the finishing line.
When have things not gone to plan?
My whole career. It’s been a succession of U-turns and dead ends.
Give me an example of a difficult decision you’ve had to made?
Well sir, I face a difficult decision every day; whether to go to work, or stay at home and play with the cat.
Thank you for seeing me. If I don’t hear from you again I assume I’ve been unsuccessful on this occasion.
